GIANT KITTEN CRISIS: Survival of Mankind Questionable

Thursday, January 8, 2009 Posted: 12:55 AM EST (0555 GMT)

SAN JOSE, California (CC) -- As of 4:36 P.M., Wednesday afternoon, the fate of the Earth has been in jeopardy. Giant kittens have completely taken out several major cities worldwide. Already Washington D.C., New York, Los Angeles, Moscow, London, Tokyo, Ottawa, and several other greatly populated areas have been demolished due to these enlarged creatures. Bio-technologist mastermind, Dr. Jimothy Catastrophe, is suspected as culprit.

The destruction started simultaneously when kittens arose from the ground at strategically placed locations where there was access to communications. They then proceeded to destroy everything in site with their laser vision and giant feet. Their defenses have so far been impenetrable and their offenses unstoppable.

The various attacks on the country have made communication almost impossible. Power plants as well as communication centers were wiped out in the beginning of the attacks, and then they proceeded to government faculties.

"Nobody knows what they want yet," says FBI spokesman Rex Jones. "All our retaliation forces are of no use, and nuclear or biological weapons would be our trump card if we could devise a way to get close enough to the kittens without them shooting our planes and missiles down with their laser vision. It seems that since they started their attack in precise weak point locations of the cities, that a reasoning mind was behind this."

"Earlier today we received a phone call from an anonymous person declaring that they would soon rule the world. Mistakenly we had assumed it was a joke, and ignored the call. After the attacks had begun we had our team track down the caller’s location, which turned out to be a yarn store, but by the time we got there he had dispersed and left us a note exclaiming it was too late."

After more investigation the FBI had found the handwriting on the note matched that of the biotechnology mastermind, Dr. Jimothy Catastrophe. Dr. Catastrophe is very well known in his field but he was shunned from the community a couple years ago while trying to create a controllable growth gene in certain animals. It is believed that he continued his research illegally and created these abominable creatures.

"This growth gene is exactly what we are witnessing right now." says Dr. Catastrophe’s old colleague Matt Ternum. "It's the classic plot from some horrible sci-fi movie that we loved to watch back in college. He was so interested in movies such as Godzilla and Ultra Man that he desperately explored various fields in biology until he could find something that would satisfy his fantasies. One year he started to disappear, leaving without any notice for days a time. Then one day he came into the lab leading a huge disfigured kitten the size of a horse. Disgusted, he was banished from the labs and exiled from the bio-technology community."

As to the resolution for this crisis, we have not found one. The FBI suggests you freak out and have mad sex for the remaining days. This is Felix Bristol and I have been cheating on my wife for 16 years. Goodbye.